Dependency (And Not The Kind That Has Crippled African Development)

I don't know what I'm doing.

To be honest most things in life have been pretty easy for me. School was never all that hard. None of my jobs were really all that difficult (refereeing was "stressing" and more difficult than most would think, but really not some sort of massive overwhelming challenge). My latter university years, with time split between near-fulltime work, classes, church involvement and a girlfriend, were more exhausting than challenging.

I might not have said the same thing 4 months ago. After all I quit reffing once because I just couldn't take it anymore (only to return a few months later when I was in need of money, though the second go at it turned out much better) and my credit card debt situation was at times overwhelming. But then again I've never done anything like this.

Missions is hard. Really hard. I'm here in another culture trying to figure out how to reach out, teach, and mobilize university students for Christ. And after 4 and a half months the conclusion that I've reached is that I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how best to reach them, I don't know how best to teach in a way that they understand and enjoy, I just don't know. This has only been furthered by the fact that my discipleship group at Bishop Stuart has essentially fallen apart, having met only 1 time in the last 4 weeks as everyone is "too busy." Whether they are "too busy" because they don't care to make it a priority or "too busy" because my lessons are dull and difficult to understand I don't know (surprise).

Certainly this has been frustrating. It's not all that reassuring to be a quarter of the way through with your term (since it started at orientation, not at arrival on the field) and not really have a clue. But in some ways it's been good.

Not having a clue what I'm doing, I am so much more greatly dependent upon God in prayer and His Word than I ever have been before. Any myth as to the fact that I can do all right on my own has been shot down and sunk to the bottom of Lake Vic. If I am to get anything done here, if I am going to make any sort of lasting impact, I've got to rely on Him for direction and provision. Of course this is always true, but now it's just so much more vastly apparent than it's ever been.

As a result I've spent more time in prayer and the Bible than ever, and I can tell. God has been using that time to draw me so much more incredibly closer to Him. So in that regard I'm glad I have no idea what I am doing, I just pray that God uses me regardless.